tears

Busy streets surrendered to the darkness
Dreamless nights started to partake
Shadows of longingness
Filtered the hydrolic air.

Walking along the mute alley
Unmindful of the cloudy sky
Tears suddenly rolled...

Beneath her stainless face,
Were the pain she had kept.
Over the years she had wept.
A captive of the past!

The clashing of the gongs,
The trembling of the mountains,
The swooshing of the trees,
Still could not swept,
The acrid taste of life.

But there she goes.
Unmindful of the cloudy sky,
Walking along the mute alley,
Tears still falling...

stupidity

I was so damned stupid to think that there still
something special going on between us. I could not believe how foolish I am to be caught again in this game called "love" ...
I thought that I would be invincible since i already learned my lesson, but I was wrong. Still the pain of being hurt lingers inside me. I could not contain it anymore. It's as if I'm being stabbed by a thousand knives in my heart. How could I overcome this kind of turmoil? How would I forget the past when in fact it is still haunting me so sweetly?

I was a bit happy when I saw him again... but the happiness was just a mere illusion. Everything had changed, including him. For almost two months that we weren't able to see each other, its as if I'm already facing a another person. He was no longer the person I once knew. The man whom I wanted to be part of my life. The whom I thought would give me happiness and joy... Thinking that our love would grow. All of these were only LIES!!

Now I'm beginning to understand and realize that i should not trust anyone so easily, so that I could not end up hurting myself..

IF ONLY

I didn't quite understand why the world condemned people like me. I didn't cause severe destruction to businesses. I never planned on bringing down the government, nor was I part of any terrorist group. I never disobeyed any traffic rules. I never went to rallies or street fights. I even helped the economy lessen the unemployment rate by having a job. But despite these things, I still could not find answers to my question.

I am Catherine, 20, an orphaned. My parents left me on the streets when I was still seven years old and was dying of pneumonia. At that time, I could not bear to think how I would be able to take away the excruciating pain of the cold weather that was pinching on my young and delicate skin, and the fear of being left alone in a dark alley. I almost would want to die so that I could no longer experience the pain. But the time for me to escape from this worldly misery was just starting.
KNOCK! KNOCK! “Cathy, are you there?” “Mother's looking for you. She wants you to go down.”

I was surprised. Why would Mother call me at this hour of the night? “I'm coming!” I scrambled out to be. I moved my feet and hurriedly headed towards the stairs. My thoughts were pre-occupied by a lot of things. I was nearing Mother's room but was hesitant to twist the knob. I heard that she was talking to someone else. I took a deep breath, knocked three times, and entered the room. Mother was in her late 40's. Tall. Slender. Still attractive despite the visible lines of aging on her face. She waved at me to come forward. As I did that, my thoughts started to drift.

When I was in the verge of what seemed to be an eternal suffering, Mother found me. She took care of me until I got better. She allowed me to stay on her place, since I've got nowhere to go. I lived in a big house full of women. They were people whom I don't recognize, and like me, they were also abandoned by their families. Mother adopted them and gave them hope again. She was impressed at how obedient I am to her. Why would I not be? This was the person responsible for my second chance of living. I never went to any school, but I learned to read and write through the help of my so-called sisters. All of us never knew the name of our heroin. She just wants us to call her”Mother”. I was able to find a new family. Days, months, years had passed. I was able to put my past behind.
“Catherine, meet Mr. Johnson. Mr. Johnson, this is Catherine.”

I offered my hands. He took it, and kissed it. I was surprised and immediately pulled my hands. “Very impressive madam”, he said to Mother. Then he turned to and said, “You are enticing my dear.” Mr. Johnson was a businessman who belonged to the upper class of the society. He was one of Mother's consistent visitors. Actually, Mother always has a lot of visitors. All were rich men, very rich men. One time, I saw Mr. Johnson left the house together with one of my sisters. And I wonder why.

“Catherine, Mr. Johnson needs your help”, Mother said to me. “What kind of help can I give her Mother?”, I replied a bit confused. Mr. Johnson answered my question. “You see Catherine, I've been lonely these past few days, and I needed someone to talk to. My wife and I are not in good terms. So I asked your Mother if she could find someone for me to help lessen my sadness. Would you mind giving me that favor Catherine?”

I looked at Mother. Her face was stern, giving me a sign of compliance. I nodded. Mother's smile widened and her aura started to light the whole room, clapping in victory.
I was led into the car of Mr. Johnson. His driver drove us into a hotel. We checked-in on one of the rooms. Inside the room I could not help but feel awkward. It was so dark and silent. The only light visible was the light coming from the moon penetrating through the windows. I could sense my hair on the back of my neck raised. Mr. Johnson touched me and slowly unbuttoned my blouse. I automatically pushed him and ran for the door. But before I could touch the knob strong hands were gripping my hair and pulling me to my antagonist’s direction. I let out a scream. He covered my mouth. Mr. Johnson forcefully threw me to bed.

“You bitch!” he shouted. “I already paid for you! Now you are mine!” What does he mean he already paid for me? His eyes seemed hungry as he undressed himself in front of me. “I gave the money to your Mother. She accepted. And you are not bound to resist me.”
I could not move. My whole body froze. Mother sold me to this monster?! Then I remembered the night Mr. Johnson went to the house and left with one of my sisters. I lay flat on the bed, while the beast devours me with torrid kisses. Tears started to build on my eyes. My fragile body is now experiencing sexual torture, and my heart bleeds as it felt the acrid taste of betrayal.

I woke up the next morning alone in the room, feeling heavy and burned-out. I examined myself through the adjacent mirror. My whole flesh was covered with bruises and scratches. I whined as I move. My bloodshot eyes wanted to avoid the rays of the sun. I stood up, picked my clothes scattered on the floor dressed myself and deserted the room. Mr. Johnson's car was waiting for me outside. The driver drove me back home.

That was the first time I discovered why Mother has a lot of money. Why she was able to sustain our needs despite having no job. Why she only adopts women. That was also the beginning of me being a prostitute. I was eighteen then when I had my first horrible experience. Now, I'm already twenty. For two years, I've experienced lashes of latigo on my dignity. Scars are all over me as people stabbed me with their harsh words and condemning eyes. I almost died when I got abortion and genital disease. But I was not afraid anymore. I've come face to face with death a lot. He is my constant companion already, if there is such thing as that.

Up until now, I'm still bugged by the criticisms that society is throwing on me. If only they knew my story, perhaps they would be more considerate. I did not plan to be like this. I would not want to place myself in this situation if only I had an option.
KNOCK! KNOCK! “Cathy, are you there?” “Mother's looking for you.” I sigh. The past still haunts me. “I'm coming!”